Q&A with Charmaine Pas – Founder the Gentleman Academy
It’s no secret that dating can be quite a hassle. Especially with today’s endless amount of app’s and websites. But while online dating may enable you to reach more potential partners than you ever could have met offline, many singles feel as if dating in 2020 is like searching for a needle in a haystack.
As a previous bodybuilder and profound lifestyle coach, Charmaine Pas is no stranger to dealing with male ego’s and rounds of testosterone. Based on a personal desire to make dating less complicated for everyone, her mission was to meet the needs of single men in finding their perfect match in a fun and easy way. Putting her money where her mouth is, the GM Acadamy was born.
You are a woman giving men dating advice. How did you come up with this?
During my time as a bodybuilder, people regular came up to me, asking for advice regarding nutrition and training. I love helping others find their purpose and more and more people started to ask me all sorts of questions regarding their life choices, especially dating.
There was this one guy, who found the love of his life because of my advice, who said to me: “Let me give you some advice in return, you should consider coaching people for a living.” I wasn’t absolutely sure at the time if I actually wanted to do this as a career. However, giving it some more thought, I kind of liked the idea of helping people for a living. Not long after, I started working as a life coach.
Through my work, I found that there was a specific need for personalised advice in the field of dating. I did quite a lot of research and what struck me, was that most men are very insecure about taking that first step. I soon discovered that this group was unfamiliar with how women think and what they want. With that in mind, I founded the Gentleman Academy earlier this year, where I’ve created a program especially designed for men to find their true love.
Can you tell me a bit more on how this whole thing goes down, what is the reason men book an appointment with you?
Usually they come in specifically for dating advice. A lot of men seem to have trouble finding the right woman, or if they’re already in a relationship, to maintain a healthy commitment. Therefore, I started a program specifically focussing on men and how to approach women on a more emotional level.
What type of men are we talking about?
Well, of course every guy is unique and my program is personalised on their specific needs, but just to give you some examples, let’s divide them in three different types.
The first one is the middle-aged men: over 40, divorced and there might be children involved from a previous relationship. They enjoy life and are looking for someone to share that joy with.
The second one is the IT-guy, this sounds a bit degrading I know, but I think we all know what type I am talking about: a bit of a nerd, insecure around woman, is really looking for a commitment and to start a family but he has absolutely no clue where to start.
The third one is the player/party type: Always been going from one girl to the other, never felt the need to commit and really values his freedom. However, he now has reached a point in his life where he feels that he is ready to commit and he wants to have that steady kind of relationship. I think it’s safe to say that these men often deal with commitment issues and maybe even a deeper layer of emotional baggage. In addition, his mind is programmed to a life where women just come and go. However, he has taken the first step already, which is realising that he wants to make a change. That’s where I come in.
What does your program look like?
The first week we start with nutrition and training. It may sound weird, but if you have too much sugar, your mind is not clear and you don’t have the right energy. A healthy diet is the first step towards changing your mindset and becoming the best version of yourself.
In addition, more often than not, these men need a serious self-esteem boost and this is the first step to make them feel more confident. This self-care week also creates a bond that will make the next step easier when we dive deeper into the emotional part.
Are men ever sceptical about what you have to say BECAUSE you’re a woman, or is it actually the other way around?
The fact that I’m a woman is often the reason they do want to take my advice. They trust that I will have the right knowledge and as a woman, know how other women think.
Do you ever get inappropriate questions? For example, are there man trying to get advice on how to get more blowjobs, or do they understand that’s not what you are here for?
It has happened…I can’t deny that. I don’t immediately send them away; I do make the effort to explain that this is not what I am here for. I do however, give them a firm and clear statement that if they want my help, that that’s not the right way to approach me. To be honest, these are the guys that need my help the most, so if they show that they are serious about changing their mindset and following my program, I am willing to let that go.
You basically have the knowledge all women are dying to know: What men really think when it comes to dating. So, let’s discuss some common issues! First of all, based on your experience, what is the most common reason a relationship doesn’t work out?
There can be many reasons for that, but the most common one is actually quite simple: People break up because they don’t have the same mindset. When you meet each other, you know within 5 seconds if you have that chemical connection. The problem is that both men and women are often trying to force things to work out. Always keep in mind that a relationship is a partnership. You really have to be on the same level and willing to make compromises, without losing your own values.
In addition, consistency of communication is so important within a relationship. If you notice that your partner says things that make you feel like you’re not good enough for them, you may want to take a step back and reconsider things.
What do men really think when they say…It’s not you, it’s me?
That actually means: It’s us. He is missing something in this relationship and is avoiding the discussion, because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Instead, he might just go look for it elsewhere. I believe that if you are truly in love, you are not interested in someone else. If you are interested in someone else, then you are not in love and might be better off moving on.
If a man is sleeping around and has trouble settling for one person, is he just an asshole, or has that something to do with trying to hide his insecurities?
Well, it depends. A woman is not always innocent in this situation either. Women have a strong intuition and they shouldn’t ignore red flags. If you notice someone is not in it for the long run, you have to decide for yourself; do I really want to be with this person?
It’s all about setting boundaries. A lot people forget what they really want along the way. They are in that flow where they see everything through pink glasses. Within every situation, both men and women, have to have the guts to be honest with themselves to find out what they really are looking to get out of a relationship. So, before you start dating anyone new, ask yourself the following question: Wat do I really want?
True love is also being able to let someone go if they’re not happy in a relationship. You give each other the space to grow separately. A healthy relationship is one in which both partners genuinely want each other to succeed.
What type of men are definitely ‘red flags’?
There are a few red flags that you should be aware of. The first one is the ‘Peter Pan’, which is a guy that just doesn’t want to grow up. There is not necessarily something wrong with it, you can have a lot of fun with him, but you have to figure out for yourself if that’s what you truly want.
Then there is the narcissist, who will always place himself first. You have to know how to handle a type like this. Again, it’s all about setting boundaries, especially in this case.
Women often think that their dates are trying either ‘too hard’ or ‘not hard enough’. Is that something you recognise based on your experience?
I actually have a great example of this. When I was doing my very first workshop, there was a guy that kept saying how he was doing everything for her, buying her expensive things, always saying ‘yes’ on whatever she wanted etc. etc. And he just didn’t understand why she had left him.
If he is not trying hard enough, there is a good chance he is involved with someone else. Or, he is just not that into you. Again, women are very intuitive, but we are also very good in denying what’s really going on.
It’s also important to leave a little bit to the imagination. People in general are very attracted by the aspect of mystery. We are all hunters. We are by nature curious. To not give everything away on the first few dates is key to keeping him excited. It will also avoid the relationship from getting boring within the first few months.
Do men really think about sex every 10 seconds?
The stereotype statement that men are thinking about sex everything ten seconds is complete bullshit. Women are able to multitask, therefor you might not notice, as a man when he’s excited about something, this is where his focus is at that given moment and he won’t be able to hide it.
Can men experience heartbreak in the same way a woman does?
Men can definitely experience heartbreak, they just deal with it differently. There actually have been quite a few interesting studies about this subject and I have also observed this in my programs as well. While men feel a breakup just as intensely as a woman, they are enculturated to inadequately process and express those feelings. Women are programmed to show emotions. Men are programmed that they should be strong. In fact, it is a natural response for men to behave as if a breakup has not affected them, simply because it enables them to quickly move on to another relationship.
What advice would you give woman that are involved with these four types of men:
1.The insecure fuck (a pushover that always agrees with you no matter what)
Be gentle in your approach. Tell him you value his opinion and give him some space to process that thought. Make sure you don’t overrule him and actually allow him to speak his mind. It’s often based on insecurities
2.The plain ass-hole (overconfident type who think he owns the world)
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Also, communicate with him about your expectations, and if he’s not willing or able to live up to them, you might be better off leaving him.
3.The wounded men with unresolved (trust) issues
Allow him to open up to you about his issues. It’s then up to you to make sure you listen carefully to what he needs in order to create that safe space. That being said, remember that you are not a therapist and if his problems are based on a trauma, you might want to advise him to seek professional help and support him throughout the process.
4.The ultimate player (indecisive / never thinks a woman is ‘good enough’)
Again, boundaries are very important here. Though you might feel as if you’re never going to be good enough, these men are usually very sensitive and emotional. If you want to resolve your issues, my advice is to find his weak spot and be gentle with it. His behaviour doesn’t come out of nowhere, and it’s important for him that you understand his point of view. Communication and mutual respect is key if you want to maintain the relationship.